The Near Future: Parenthood

Every day is the same, but different in little ways. Every morning, I wake up around 9 am after a long night of interrupted sleep. Monitoring, medicine, doctor visits, shift change with the nurses; I get about 5 solid hours of uninterrupted sleep. As someone said, I'm just a vessel for carrying these babies. Thinking about motherhood that way seems so sad. Maybe that's partly why mothers go through postpartum depression. They get this idea that all they are during pregnancy is an incubator, then once they give birth they feel empty. I don't know. I just don't want to be the kind of mother that doesn't care about herself anymore, the kind that is so self-sacrificing for her kids that she is an absolute mess. I don't think God intended for us to feel that way about ourselves. If a mother is so stressed out that she barely smiles, fights with her husband, cries herself to sleep at night from exhaustion, and fantasizes about finding a way out of the life she leads, that's not the kind of woman God wants her to be. I was raised to believe that a woman should be strong, faithful and courageous yet generous and submissive and kind. I don't want to be the kind of mother that becomes bitter because her life is sucked out of her because of her children. Of course, life is what you make of it, as I always say. I'm not saying we can control everything that happens in our lives, rather we can control our attitudes. All of the fruits of the spirit are choices that we make during the most difficult times in our lives. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, self control. None of those comes naturally. As long as Allan and I can try hard to hold onto those while our children demand so much of our lives, our family will be happy. That's what I tell myself.

I have a lot of time to think sitting in my hospital room. It was difficult sitting here day after day after the doctors continue to tell me everything seems to be okay. It feels a little pointless to stay here when everything is okay. However, I remember when I first got here and a doctor told me, "In the vast majority of these cases, the results from the dopplers get worse rather than better." I guess in a way, I'm sitting here waiting for things to get inevitably worse.

A few days ago, I had a scare. During a normal session of monitoring, I turn Baby A's heartbeat volume down on the monitor and listen to Baby B's in case she wiggles off the monitor, which happens often. Except this time I was listening and the heart rate was getting slower and slower. I looked at the screen, and her heart rate was dropping dangerously low. She is normally in the 140s/150s, but it reached all the way down to 60 bpm, much lower than my own. A couple nurses came in and did what they called, "resuscitation of an unborn child". Basically, I had to turn from side to side until her cord was free (she was squishing it). In retrospect, it wasn't that big of a deal, but at the time, it was scary. For once I was thankful for being here. Other than that experience, the babies seem to be hanging in there. On Wednesday Baby A weighed 3 lbs 12 oz, Baby B 2 lbs 6 oz. They are growing, but unfortunately the difference between them is growing, too.

Right now all I can do is take everything day by day. It's all I can do to keep from cracking. A puzzle, a movie, coloring, reading...there are things to keep me occupied. It's not always exciting, but it's amazing what can keep you entertained when you have no obligations. I had a baby shower yesterday. It was so nice to see some of my family and laugh with them. It is always so hard to see people leave, though...not because I am dependent on visitors to keep me happy, but because I know that when they get sick of this place they have the liberty of simply walking out. Needless to say, I will be much more thankful for a lot of things when I am out of this room.

Today is our 1 year anniversary! We don't have many options, but we'll certainly make the best of it. Please keep praying for us all! Take care.

Melody