33 weeks. I keep saying that I am ready to not be pregnant anymore. While that is still true, I am naturally terrified of childbirth, c-section or not. Right now, both babies are head down, and they are handling contractions well so far. So a natural childbirth could be more likely than a c-section. The more I think about that, the more nervous I become about giving birth to two babies. On the other hand, I have never had surgery, and I watch too many medical dramas on t.v. I'm afraid of getting my bladder sliced open or something. Haha.
I don't think I'm any more terrified than other high-risk, first-time mothers of multiples here. There are two very young (late teens) moms on this floor with twins in a high-risk situation. They have it worse off than I do. One mom also has identical twin girls. She has been in pre-term labor and on bed rest for almost her entire pregnancy. Another young mom (2 days ahead of me) has boy/girl fraternal twins. They also have intermittent absent flow and IUGR. She is also in here for pre-term labor. When I was coming back to my room a couple days ago, I saw a family gathered around a new patient's door. A woman and a girl had been crying. Again, they all are in an obviously more unfortunate situation than mine. I was talking with a food service lady today, and she said there is a woman in this hospital who has been here for 2 years under special care. And here I am complaining about being locked up in this place.
Well, here's a little update on the babies. The dopplers are still reading "intermittent absent flow" which basically means the blood flow fluctuates between absent and elevated. I don't know the proper medical terms. They are growing though! On Thursday, June 25, the babies weighed:
Baby A: 4 lbs 5 ozs
Baby B: 2 lbs 13 ozs
I assume they've gained 3 ounces by now, making A=4.5 lbs, and B=3 lbs. Keep growing babies! There is a chance that the babies will not end up in the same nursery, Baby B could go to Riley and the other could stay here...or Baby A would go home earlier than Baby B. It all depends on when they are born, how much weight they gain, or if there are any other complications that arise during or after birth. There is no straight answer about anything right now. They could come any day since I am now over the "average" time frame of when mothers of twins give birth. Ah! The suspense! I am so scared, but so excited to meet our babies!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
The Outlook
out⋅look [out-look]
–noun
1. the view or prospect from a particular place
Some of you who have come to visit have experienced the Great Wall that proudly blocks my view of any life outside of the hospital. Every now and then I see a bug. I can see the sunshine, but I can't see the sky unless I walk up to the window and crank my neck back to see a patch of blue. For those of you who know me well, you know that I enjoy the beauty of nature, especially in the summer months. The warmth of the sun and the colors of summer instantly lift my spirits; thus I find the lack of any of it dreadful. However, I am remembering--as I have plenty of time to think--that the "outlook on life" is much more than just the view outside my window.
Today I had a lengthy chat with my doctor after my ultrasound. She said that the dopplers are improving, which means the blood flow to Baby B is normal now. Even though she has "Severe IUGR (Intrauterine Growth Restriction)" she has made some big steps since we've been here. Her growth, as I mentioned before, has jumped, and she's packing on the ounces. When she isn't compared to Baby A, we rejoice in her own accomplishments as she is making those improvements in growth and blood flow. Baby A is doing well, so we haven't had to worry about her during this pregnancy until the birth. Doc said if everything continues to look great, there might be a chance I could go home. During the next 3 seconds I thought to myself:
Wouldn't it be great to go home again? I could see the dogs, spend more time with Allan, sit in my front yard....prepare for the babies....get stuck in a house that I can't clean....be depressed because I can't do anything for myself and I have no one to help me....as much as I would love to get out of this place, maybe it's not the best solution
So I was honest with my doctor as the words escaped my mouth, "I'll be honest with you. I would love to leave, but I am much more rested here than I will ever be at home while I'm pregnant." I explained to her everything I would have to do myself and things I would be tempted to do that I shouldn't. She quickly changed her mind and said, "Well then, we'll take that out of our plan." She would rather me be waited on hand and foot at the hospital. I hated that I had to tell her that, but my conscience was stronger than my temptation. I remember being physically miserable at home. Although at the hospital I can't see the sky or feel the breeze, swim in a pool or sit by the river, cuddle with the dogs and soak in the bath, and say goodnight and good morning to my husband in person, I need to keep my babies and me healthy. I rambled on about sacrifice in my last post, but this is the kind of sacrifice that is absolutely necessary and unavoidable. I would give up all those things just for a little while so that we can spend the rest of our lives with our two healthy girls. Sometimes savoring life isn't just basking in the bright glow of the sun. It is seeing your baby in black and white on the monitor, kicking and sucking her thumb as her little heart beats fast and her chest rises and falls to breathe. It is the simple relieving thought that your child(ren)'s chance of survival is improving. Sometimes it is seeing their bright future and God's grace.
Sometimes life is about having a heart full of love and experiencing that of someone else. Through this whole process, Allan has been extremely supportive. I couldn't and wouldn't ask for a better husband. He has made the hour drive to the hospital every night after work just to spend a couple hours with me in my stark and boring room, just to drive an hour back home and have no time for himself before goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to do it again. He does my laundry and brings me things I need. He never complains. He just tells me how exhausted he is, and I can see it. I insist that he doesn't have to do anything for me. He insists that he does. Talk about sacrifice.
Sometimes having a good outlook on life is, in fact, about the grand scene...but a different kind than I have been longing to see again. It is when you look up from your to-do list and the worry about finding a way to make ends meet, seeing how your life has unfolded and counting the beautiful ways God has provided...even if it is difficult to find them. I never would have thought I would be in this place even two years ago when Allan proposed to me. In the past year, I became a wife to a wonderful, talented, loving, and strong husband, a step-mom to a sweet, smart and beautiful little girl, and a mother to two identical girls (still pending, of course). Allan and I made it to our goal I mentioned in my last post. We have seen each other every single day since June 14, 2008. They say that the first year is the hardest in marriage. I think this year was easier than our engagement! I have also heard people say that the best years they had together with their wife/husband was when they had almost nothing. I can see that. We struggle to pay our bills and our house is in shambles, but like our hearts, it is a house full of love. I think Allan's daughter is beginning to see that, too. It doesn't seem to bother her as much anymore that she doesn't have her own room or a space to call her own yet. She is perfectly content just being where we are. What a profound thought. If only everyone were content just by having each other...
My outlook right now is seeing the big gray wall, yet savoring the little patch of blue and the simple suggestion of the sun...even the mosquito that thankfully cannot get in. My outlook on life is seeing the bleakness of the hospital room, but choosing my long days here so I can hear the doctors say "She's getting better every day." I just have to hang in a little bit longer so that I can bask in the glow of Life with my new family at home.
–noun
1. the view or prospect from a particular place
Some of you who have come to visit have experienced the Great Wall that proudly blocks my view of any life outside of the hospital. Every now and then I see a bug. I can see the sunshine, but I can't see the sky unless I walk up to the window and crank my neck back to see a patch of blue. For those of you who know me well, you know that I enjoy the beauty of nature, especially in the summer months. The warmth of the sun and the colors of summer instantly lift my spirits; thus I find the lack of any of it dreadful. However, I am remembering--as I have plenty of time to think--that the "outlook on life" is much more than just the view outside my window.
Today I had a lengthy chat with my doctor after my ultrasound. She said that the dopplers are improving, which means the blood flow to Baby B is normal now. Even though she has "Severe IUGR (Intrauterine Growth Restriction)" she has made some big steps since we've been here. Her growth, as I mentioned before, has jumped, and she's packing on the ounces. When she isn't compared to Baby A, we rejoice in her own accomplishments as she is making those improvements in growth and blood flow. Baby A is doing well, so we haven't had to worry about her during this pregnancy until the birth. Doc said if everything continues to look great, there might be a chance I could go home. During the next 3 seconds I thought to myself:
Wouldn't it be great to go home again? I could see the dogs, spend more time with Allan, sit in my front yard....prepare for the babies....get stuck in a house that I can't clean....be depressed because I can't do anything for myself and I have no one to help me....as much as I would love to get out of this place, maybe it's not the best solution
So I was honest with my doctor as the words escaped my mouth, "I'll be honest with you. I would love to leave, but I am much more rested here than I will ever be at home while I'm pregnant." I explained to her everything I would have to do myself and things I would be tempted to do that I shouldn't. She quickly changed her mind and said, "Well then, we'll take that out of our plan." She would rather me be waited on hand and foot at the hospital. I hated that I had to tell her that, but my conscience was stronger than my temptation. I remember being physically miserable at home. Although at the hospital I can't see the sky or feel the breeze, swim in a pool or sit by the river, cuddle with the dogs and soak in the bath, and say goodnight and good morning to my husband in person, I need to keep my babies and me healthy. I rambled on about sacrifice in my last post, but this is the kind of sacrifice that is absolutely necessary and unavoidable. I would give up all those things just for a little while so that we can spend the rest of our lives with our two healthy girls. Sometimes savoring life isn't just basking in the bright glow of the sun. It is seeing your baby in black and white on the monitor, kicking and sucking her thumb as her little heart beats fast and her chest rises and falls to breathe. It is the simple relieving thought that your child(ren)'s chance of survival is improving. Sometimes it is seeing their bright future and God's grace.
Sometimes life is about having a heart full of love and experiencing that of someone else. Through this whole process, Allan has been extremely supportive. I couldn't and wouldn't ask for a better husband. He has made the hour drive to the hospital every night after work just to spend a couple hours with me in my stark and boring room, just to drive an hour back home and have no time for himself before goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to do it again. He does my laundry and brings me things I need. He never complains. He just tells me how exhausted he is, and I can see it. I insist that he doesn't have to do anything for me. He insists that he does. Talk about sacrifice.
Sometimes having a good outlook on life is, in fact, about the grand scene...but a different kind than I have been longing to see again. It is when you look up from your to-do list and the worry about finding a way to make ends meet, seeing how your life has unfolded and counting the beautiful ways God has provided...even if it is difficult to find them. I never would have thought I would be in this place even two years ago when Allan proposed to me. In the past year, I became a wife to a wonderful, talented, loving, and strong husband, a step-mom to a sweet, smart and beautiful little girl, and a mother to two identical girls (still pending, of course). Allan and I made it to our goal I mentioned in my last post. We have seen each other every single day since June 14, 2008. They say that the first year is the hardest in marriage. I think this year was easier than our engagement! I have also heard people say that the best years they had together with their wife/husband was when they had almost nothing. I can see that. We struggle to pay our bills and our house is in shambles, but like our hearts, it is a house full of love. I think Allan's daughter is beginning to see that, too. It doesn't seem to bother her as much anymore that she doesn't have her own room or a space to call her own yet. She is perfectly content just being where we are. What a profound thought. If only everyone were content just by having each other...
My outlook right now is seeing the big gray wall, yet savoring the little patch of blue and the simple suggestion of the sun...even the mosquito that thankfully cannot get in. My outlook on life is seeing the bleakness of the hospital room, but choosing my long days here so I can hear the doctors say "She's getting better every day." I just have to hang in a little bit longer so that I can bask in the glow of Life with my new family at home.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
The Near Future: Parenthood
Every day is the same, but different in little ways. Every morning, I wake up around 9 am after a long night of interrupted sleep. Monitoring, medicine, doctor visits, shift change with the nurses; I get about 5 solid hours of uninterrupted sleep. As someone said, I'm just a vessel for carrying these babies. Thinking about motherhood that way seems so sad. Maybe that's partly why mothers go through postpartum depression. They get this idea that all they are during pregnancy is an incubator, then once they give birth they feel empty. I don't know. I just don't want to be the kind of mother that doesn't care about herself anymore, the kind that is so self-sacrificing for her kids that she is an absolute mess. I don't think God intended for us to feel that way about ourselves. If a mother is so stressed out that she barely smiles, fights with her husband, cries herself to sleep at night from exhaustion, and fantasizes about finding a way out of the life she leads, that's not the kind of woman God wants her to be. I was raised to believe that a woman should be strong, faithful and courageous yet generous and submissive and kind. I don't want to be the kind of mother that becomes bitter because her life is sucked out of her because of her children. Of course, life is what you make of it, as I always say. I'm not saying we can control everything that happens in our lives, rather we can control our attitudes. All of the fruits of the spirit are choices that we make during the most difficult times in our lives. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, self control. None of those comes naturally. As long as Allan and I can try hard to hold onto those while our children demand so much of our lives, our family will be happy. That's what I tell myself.
I have a lot of time to think sitting in my hospital room. It was difficult sitting here day after day after the doctors continue to tell me everything seems to be okay. It feels a little pointless to stay here when everything is okay. However, I remember when I first got here and a doctor told me, "In the vast majority of these cases, the results from the dopplers get worse rather than better." I guess in a way, I'm sitting here waiting for things to get inevitably worse.
A few days ago, I had a scare. During a normal session of monitoring, I turn Baby A's heartbeat volume down on the monitor and listen to Baby B's in case she wiggles off the monitor, which happens often. Except this time I was listening and the heart rate was getting slower and slower. I looked at the screen, and her heart rate was dropping dangerously low. She is normally in the 140s/150s, but it reached all the way down to 60 bpm, much lower than my own. A couple nurses came in and did what they called, "resuscitation of an unborn child". Basically, I had to turn from side to side until her cord was free (she was squishing it). In retrospect, it wasn't that big of a deal, but at the time, it was scary. For once I was thankful for being here. Other than that experience, the babies seem to be hanging in there. On Wednesday Baby A weighed 3 lbs 12 oz, Baby B 2 lbs 6 oz. They are growing, but unfortunately the difference between them is growing, too.
Right now all I can do is take everything day by day. It's all I can do to keep from cracking. A puzzle, a movie, coloring, reading...there are things to keep me occupied. It's not always exciting, but it's amazing what can keep you entertained when you have no obligations. I had a baby shower yesterday. It was so nice to see some of my family and laugh with them. It is always so hard to see people leave, though...not because I am dependent on visitors to keep me happy, but because I know that when they get sick of this place they have the liberty of simply walking out. Needless to say, I will be much more thankful for a lot of things when I am out of this room.
Today is our 1 year anniversary! We don't have many options, but we'll certainly make the best of it. Please keep praying for us all! Take care.
Melody
I have a lot of time to think sitting in my hospital room. It was difficult sitting here day after day after the doctors continue to tell me everything seems to be okay. It feels a little pointless to stay here when everything is okay. However, I remember when I first got here and a doctor told me, "In the vast majority of these cases, the results from the dopplers get worse rather than better." I guess in a way, I'm sitting here waiting for things to get inevitably worse.
A few days ago, I had a scare. During a normal session of monitoring, I turn Baby A's heartbeat volume down on the monitor and listen to Baby B's in case she wiggles off the monitor, which happens often. Except this time I was listening and the heart rate was getting slower and slower. I looked at the screen, and her heart rate was dropping dangerously low. She is normally in the 140s/150s, but it reached all the way down to 60 bpm, much lower than my own. A couple nurses came in and did what they called, "resuscitation of an unborn child". Basically, I had to turn from side to side until her cord was free (she was squishing it). In retrospect, it wasn't that big of a deal, but at the time, it was scary. For once I was thankful for being here. Other than that experience, the babies seem to be hanging in there. On Wednesday Baby A weighed 3 lbs 12 oz, Baby B 2 lbs 6 oz. They are growing, but unfortunately the difference between them is growing, too.
Right now all I can do is take everything day by day. It's all I can do to keep from cracking. A puzzle, a movie, coloring, reading...there are things to keep me occupied. It's not always exciting, but it's amazing what can keep you entertained when you have no obligations. I had a baby shower yesterday. It was so nice to see some of my family and laugh with them. It is always so hard to see people leave, though...not because I am dependent on visitors to keep me happy, but because I know that when they get sick of this place they have the liberty of simply walking out. Needless to say, I will be much more thankful for a lot of things when I am out of this room.
Today is our 1 year anniversary! We don't have many options, but we'll certainly make the best of it. Please keep praying for us all! Take care.
Melody
Sunday, June 7, 2009
The Inevitable
Well, it's not the only inevitable. The babies will eventually come, and that's expected, of course. What I mean is I have now entered into the dreaded hospital stay they warned me about in April. Bed rest just wasn't enough, I guess. I went in on Thursday, June 4, to get a routine check of the babies' blood flow through their umbilical cords. The week before when they measured the growth, I thought it seemed odd that they weren't concerned that Baby B was even farther behind in her size. As a matter of fact, they didn't even say anything about it. This time they noticed that the Dopplers were off..."more abnormal" were the words. I did another NST at the office, and they sent me straight to the Indiana University Hospital in Indianapolis to monitor us more closely. I didn't even get a chance to go home first. I was thrown off. I should have expected it every time I went in to my appointments, but I just wasn't prepared.
The first day, I was put on the monitors for about 18 hours in labor and delivery ICU. The babies' heartbeats and my contractions were carefully watched. After a lot of adjusting to make Baby B stay on the monitor (she's small but mighty), everything seemed fine. I am now in a smaller room in the 2 South Unit, wherever that is. Every day my vitals are checked (temp, BP, oxygen levels), put on the monitor every 8 hours for half and hour, and given medicine to reduce my contractions every 6 hours. I thought it might get kind of annoying, but I kind of like the company of the nurses.
One nurse came in last night and we talked about how amazing it is that a woman's body changes and adjusts to much during pregnancy. She also had a lot of information about what they are looking for on the monitor, which is what no one had ever explained to me before. She said when I have a conraction, they want to see the heart rate spike and drop. It means the babies are able to tolereate the stress. A doctor at a different time explained to me that if Baby B couldn't handle the stress, they would definitely be delivered by C-section. I also learned that if the baby was in distress and their heart rate didn't drop, a bunch of people would rush into my room and do a "rescucitation of an unborn child." That means laying me on my left side and....I don't know what else. Anyway, the babies seem to be doing fine as far as the heart rates go. I haven't had a doppler check since before I came in, but they'll be doing them three times a week. I am doing ok. I've been having contractions, even when I'm on my medicine, but it's nothing to be concerned about.
As far as my stay here, I have a small room with a lovely view of the rocky rooftop, overshadowed by the enormous side wall of the cancer center. I haven't seen the sky, breathed fresh air, or felt the sunshine since Thursday...it's Sunday, and I don't anticipate going out today either. I CAN go outside, but I have to have someone wheel me out there. Any takers? So far I have had a few visitors every day. Allan has been here every day. He has an hour drive. Our goal is to make it to our anniversary next Sunday without skipping a day, meaning we have seen each other every day since our wedding. If he comes to see me every day until the 14th, he doesn't have to come so often after that. It's just kind of something "romantic" we wanted to do, since being at the hospital hardly allows for a romantic anniversary. I guess there are activities to do around here, like crafts classes and special groups for moms with multiples. I haven't seen the lady that comes around with all the info though. I'll have to hunt her down.
Well, that's it for now. We don't know when the babies will be born. It's a wait-and-see. It depends on how the babies are doing. I'll definitely keep you posted.
ps: For all my facebook friends, the site is blocked here. No facebook unless someone can pull some strings for me :)
Melody
The first day, I was put on the monitors for about 18 hours in labor and delivery ICU. The babies' heartbeats and my contractions were carefully watched. After a lot of adjusting to make Baby B stay on the monitor (she's small but mighty), everything seemed fine. I am now in a smaller room in the 2 South Unit, wherever that is. Every day my vitals are checked (temp, BP, oxygen levels), put on the monitor every 8 hours for half and hour, and given medicine to reduce my contractions every 6 hours. I thought it might get kind of annoying, but I kind of like the company of the nurses.
One nurse came in last night and we talked about how amazing it is that a woman's body changes and adjusts to much during pregnancy. She also had a lot of information about what they are looking for on the monitor, which is what no one had ever explained to me before. She said when I have a conraction, they want to see the heart rate spike and drop. It means the babies are able to tolereate the stress. A doctor at a different time explained to me that if Baby B couldn't handle the stress, they would definitely be delivered by C-section. I also learned that if the baby was in distress and their heart rate didn't drop, a bunch of people would rush into my room and do a "rescucitation of an unborn child." That means laying me on my left side and....I don't know what else. Anyway, the babies seem to be doing fine as far as the heart rates go. I haven't had a doppler check since before I came in, but they'll be doing them three times a week. I am doing ok. I've been having contractions, even when I'm on my medicine, but it's nothing to be concerned about.
As far as my stay here, I have a small room with a lovely view of the rocky rooftop, overshadowed by the enormous side wall of the cancer center. I haven't seen the sky, breathed fresh air, or felt the sunshine since Thursday...it's Sunday, and I don't anticipate going out today either. I CAN go outside, but I have to have someone wheel me out there. Any takers? So far I have had a few visitors every day. Allan has been here every day. He has an hour drive. Our goal is to make it to our anniversary next Sunday without skipping a day, meaning we have seen each other every day since our wedding. If he comes to see me every day until the 14th, he doesn't have to come so often after that. It's just kind of something "romantic" we wanted to do, since being at the hospital hardly allows for a romantic anniversary. I guess there are activities to do around here, like crafts classes and special groups for moms with multiples. I haven't seen the lady that comes around with all the info though. I'll have to hunt her down.
Well, that's it for now. We don't know when the babies will be born. It's a wait-and-see. It depends on how the babies are doing. I'll definitely keep you posted.
ps: For all my facebook friends, the site is blocked here. No facebook unless someone can pull some strings for me :)
Melody
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
What I'll Miss (and Won't Miss)
I can't believe how quickly my second trimester flew by. My belly is measuring at 9 months (39.5 weeks), and I'm almost 7.5 months pregnant. I still have about a month or more left to go. Wow! I thought bed rest would make time seem to move slowly. I guess I can't say that everything about bed rest has been awful, although it hasn't been a lot to smile about. It's been fun to watch the babies move around, to feel a tiny foot roll across by belly and along the bottom of my hand. It's fascinating to know when they're kicking each other and what kind of things they react to. They respond the most to milk, tornado sirens, Allan's voice and kisses, and my hands resting on my belly. They usually take turns kicking me, but when I haven't eaten in a while, they gang up.
I know that Baby B, the smaller one, is most active during ultrasounds. She's not as strong, but she's very wiggly. She hates it when something pushes on her, and she always fights back. She's always sitting on her sister's head, but Baby A doesn't fight back like Baby B does. I'll miss some things about being pregnant. I'll miss the mystery of what they look like, the excuse for gaining so much weight, how nice strangers suddenly become when they see that I'm pregnant, and I know that I'll miss being able to sleep, shower, and go to the bathroom whenever I want.
What I won't miss about pregnancy is feeling sick, sore, helpless and trapped inside my house, and feeling like I ran a marathon when all I did was walk up the stairs. I won't miss taking pills, making myself eat when I don't want to, not wearing my wedding ring, not being able to cuddle with my husband comfortably, heating up my lunch meat in the microwave, and I won't miss maternity clothes. I can't wait until I can wear pants with a button and a zipper, eat soft cheese, and go on a walk.
I know there are other things I will sacrifice once the babies come. At the same time, I've always felt that even when I'm stressed out and tired from being busy all the time, I feel a sense of accomplishment. It's hard to feel like I'm accomplishing something when I'm sitting on my butt all day and sleeping for 10-12 hours (I know, I know. I'm busy growing babies). Some of you know how I feel. None of you will be able to convince me that I will be more miserable taking care of my babies than I feel now. I can't wait to meet them and hold them and know what they look like. It will be so fun and so challenging at the same time. I just hope and pray that my next pregnancy is with only one child!
Melody
I know that Baby B, the smaller one, is most active during ultrasounds. She's not as strong, but she's very wiggly. She hates it when something pushes on her, and she always fights back. She's always sitting on her sister's head, but Baby A doesn't fight back like Baby B does. I'll miss some things about being pregnant. I'll miss the mystery of what they look like, the excuse for gaining so much weight, how nice strangers suddenly become when they see that I'm pregnant, and I know that I'll miss being able to sleep, shower, and go to the bathroom whenever I want.
What I won't miss about pregnancy is feeling sick, sore, helpless and trapped inside my house, and feeling like I ran a marathon when all I did was walk up the stairs. I won't miss taking pills, making myself eat when I don't want to, not wearing my wedding ring, not being able to cuddle with my husband comfortably, heating up my lunch meat in the microwave, and I won't miss maternity clothes. I can't wait until I can wear pants with a button and a zipper, eat soft cheese, and go on a walk.
I know there are other things I will sacrifice once the babies come. At the same time, I've always felt that even when I'm stressed out and tired from being busy all the time, I feel a sense of accomplishment. It's hard to feel like I'm accomplishing something when I'm sitting on my butt all day and sleeping for 10-12 hours (I know, I know. I'm busy growing babies). Some of you know how I feel. None of you will be able to convince me that I will be more miserable taking care of my babies than I feel now. I can't wait to meet them and hold them and know what they look like. It will be so fun and so challenging at the same time. I just hope and pray that my next pregnancy is with only one child!
Melody
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