I'm Over This

So the previous blog wasn't my last blog of my pregnancy afterall. I haven't had the babies yet, but I'm so ready! I'm tired all the time because I can't go to sleep. I can't go to sleep because I'm sore. I'm sore because I have been contracting so much. I'm contracting so much because I'm off my Terbutaline. I'm off my Terbutaline because they figured I would go into labor soon. Only...I'm not. I'm so miserable, and I just want to go home to my own house with my own husband in my own bed and eat from my own dishes and use my own bathroom. I've had a few emotional meltdowns, but today was the worst. Allan and I have reached our breaking point in this awful pregnancy. Until now I have tried so hard to stay positive and think "Whatever is best for the babies!" Now I feel like a horrible mother because I want them to get out right now! Allan is breaking down because he feels stretched so thin. He has so much to do, and he can't do it all by himself. All he wants to do is be with me every day, but he is restrained by his responsibilities of fixing the house and going to work. I feel so helpless and terrible that I can't be there to help. 

To add to this misery, I've developed this lovely rash called PUPP (Pruritic Urticarial Papules and Plaques of Pregnancy). I have no idea what that means other than it's a rare, extremely itchy rash that raises from within stretch marks. It happens to "1 out of 164-240 initial pregnancies," and can only be soothed with hydrocortisone cream. It eventually goes away after birth. My stretch marks look like they are going to bleed. I have to be strapped down to the monitors three times a day every day, irritating them--and my rash--even more. My belly is also so sore that I can barely shift in my bed, let alone get up to go to the bathroom. Even when I have strong contractions, I can't tell the difference because it just feels like one big humongous contraction all day. Tonight I'm supposed to get doped up on narcotics so that I can sleep for once. The nurse said it was safe and that they give them to pregnant patients all the time. We'll see how I react to strong medicine. From what I remember, we didn't get along very well. 

I used to be afraid of a c-section, but after all these contractions I'm ready to get it over with. I told Allan that now I'd rather them just "knock me out and cut me open." The pregnant moms on this floor keep having their babies. Every day I hear the lullaby the hospital plays after a baby is born, and I think, "Ok, my turn!" Seriously. I'm ready. Bring it on. 

Maybe when my girls enter their teens I can tell them the horrible stories of my pregnancy to encourage abstinence. But then I might never have grandchildren...